Head’s Up poetry column: ‘Intelligent? Design?’

A Poetry Column By Philip Appleman


(To the tune of “Battle Hymn of the Republic”)

Your eyes have seen a blurry scene

That’s only known to man:

Your optic nerves are backward and

Have been since time began.

That’s what the preachers tell you is

God’s very special plan:

Intelligent Design!

Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!

Making-do will have to do ya.

Beware the swindlers who voodoo ya

With Intelligent Design!

You wish a guy’s urethra did

The jobs that were proposed:

Both lover’s clout and waterspout

Is what you had supposed.

Alas, the Great Designer squeezed

A prostate ’round your hose:

Intelligent Design!

Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!

Nowhere does the Bible clue ya

That your glands would soon subdue ya:

Intelligent Design!

Your breasts get lumps, your heart goes thump,

Your hips are giving in.

Childbirth is a horror ’cause

Your pelvis is too thin.

And osteoporosis is

Your Maker’s little whim:

Intelligent Design!

Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!

The Great Designer knows what’s due ya.

Nothing else can stick it to ya.

Like Intelligent Design!

From Karma, Dharma, Pudding & Pie

© Philip Appleman.

Philip Appleman is a Dis­tinguished Pro­fessor Emeri­tus at In­dia­na Uni­ver­si­ty. He is editor of the Norton Critical Edition of Darwin. He and his playwright wife, Marjorie Appleman, are both “After-Life” Members of FFRF. Phil’s books: ffrf.org/shop.