A Poetry Column By Philip Appleman
INTELLIGENT? DESIGN?
(To the tune of “Battle Hymn of the Republic”)
Your eyes have seen a blurry scene
That’s only known to man:
Your optic nerves are backward and
Have been since time began.
That’s what the preachers tell you is
God’s very special plan:
Intelligent Design!
Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!
Making-do will have to do ya.
Beware the swindlers who voodoo ya
With Intelligent Design!
You wish a guy’s urethra did
The jobs that were proposed:
Both lover’s clout and waterspout
Is what you had supposed.
Alas, the Great Designer squeezed
A prostate ’round your hose:
Intelligent Design!
Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!
Nowhere does the Bible clue ya
That your glands would soon subdue ya:
Intelligent Design!
Your breasts get lumps, your heart goes thump,
Your hips are giving in.
Childbirth is a horror ’cause
Your pelvis is too thin.
And osteoporosis is
Your Maker’s little whim:
Intelligent Design!
Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!
The Great Designer knows what’s due ya.
Nothing else can stick it to ya.
Like Intelligent Design!
From Karma, Dharma, Pudding & Pie
© Philip Appleman.
Philip Appleman is a Distinguished Professor Emeritus at Indiana University. He is editor of the Norton Critical Edition of Darwin. He and his playwright wife, Marjorie Appleman, are both “After-Life” Members of FFRF. Phil’s books: ffrf.org/shop.